I think i changed a lot, comparing myself from how i was in secondary school and now.
I used to hide my emotions very badly last time. My face just shows it all, when i'm sad or angry etc, even when i'm with my friends. I tried my best to hide those emotions, but i failed all the time. So i can't lie whenever my friends asked me whether i'm okay or not.
But ever since i went to poly and the older i grew, the better i hide my emotions. And it's not like i try to hide it. Sometimes i get angry with a friend, and try to show it, but naturally i build up grudges within me, but yet it's a natural instinct to still be nice and not show my emotions out. I have no idea why. Sometimes it sucks. I try to be honest with my friends, but gradually, i learn to bottle up everything and not show it out. It's like, i just don't know who to turn to or confide in among my poly friends... I don't want to share my thoughts with them cos they are curious, and not cos they care for me. I like my poly friends, they're nice, funny and entertaining, but there's just something pulling me back from opening up, though i know them for more than a year. Gut feeling? Instinct? Character differences? I don't know.
Sometimes i feel that my head controls my feelings too much, that i can't differentiate how i'm feeling... Whether what i'm feeling is what i really am feeling, or it's distorted by the deception formed in my head.
Too many barriers built, too many times i chose not to take risks. And so many times into the future, i look back and regret. But i guess, everything comes with a price. I rather protect myself, than to put myself in a dangerous position of being hurt.
Maybe one day, i will have that courage and confidence.
♥ Monday, February 27, 2012 @ 12:44 AM
♥ Friday, February 24, 2012 @ 11:08 PM
Hi everyone! (:
I had CRS exam in the morning just now. Yes, it's the subject that i got 19/50 for during the test. Surprisingly, the paper was quite easy. I think this is the first time i studied so hard this semester. I started my revision about 4 days before the exam (usually i just study the day before -.-).
Knowing that i can't study at home, i studied at the library with Zazz at library everyday. I get distracted by everything at home. It's like, i can even get distracted by the window and trees outside. I can end up staring at the trees and clouds moving. At least i am confined in a place where i can't look outside when i'm in the library. It was very productive! To add on to this, this handsome guy studied at the same table with Zazz and i, and i kept stealing glances at him. He sat in front of me yesterday, and sat beside me today. Omg. It's like a bonus, hahaha. But of course i concentrated more on my revision. He's from SP (i stole a glance at his lecture notes -.-) Okay can, i shall camp at the library more often next time. I like guys who study at the library, so attractive and disciplined ^^ At least he rather goes to the library than to spend his time drinking or clubbing. But cos it's the exam period what. Or else sure go clubbing already la. I'm just biased and judgemental la lol.
Anyway, i got a shock just now. I was using the washroom at the library. Then after i flushed, all the water from the toilet bowl floated out and flooded the ground. Scare me can! And i was half asleep at that time, too tired already. LOL. I have an Accounting paper next tuesday. It's my favourite subject, i better score an A!
Oh! And i layered my hair last week. A lot of my friends said that i look very kiddy with this fringe. But i think it looks nice leh. And my hair is finally not so straight after layering! Yay! I must hao lian a bit and post a photo of my hair. Don't mind the eyebags ah, cos it's exam period what. Stressed and lack of sleep. Shall go stalk pretty girls on facebook after this post. Bye.
I had CRS exam in the morning just now. Yes, it's the subject that i got 19/50 for during the test. Surprisingly, the paper was quite easy. I think this is the first time i studied so hard this semester. I started my revision about 4 days before the exam (usually i just study the day before -.-).
Knowing that i can't study at home, i studied at the library with Zazz at library everyday. I get distracted by everything at home. It's like, i can even get distracted by the window and trees outside. I can end up staring at the trees and clouds moving. At least i am confined in a place where i can't look outside when i'm in the library. It was very productive! To add on to this, this handsome guy studied at the same table with Zazz and i, and i kept stealing glances at him. He sat in front of me yesterday, and sat beside me today. Omg. It's like a bonus, hahaha. But of course i concentrated more on my revision. He's from SP (i stole a glance at his lecture notes -.-) Okay can, i shall camp at the library more often next time. I like guys who study at the library, so attractive and disciplined ^^ At least he rather goes to the library than to spend his time drinking or clubbing. But cos it's the exam period what. Or else sure go clubbing already la. I'm just biased and judgemental la lol.
Anyway, i got a shock just now. I was using the washroom at the library. Then after i flushed, all the water from the toilet bowl floated out and flooded the ground. Scare me can! And i was half asleep at that time, too tired already. LOL. I have an Accounting paper next tuesday. It's my favourite subject, i better score an A!
Oh! And i layered my hair last week. A lot of my friends said that i look very kiddy with this fringe. But i think it looks nice leh. And my hair is finally not so straight after layering! Yay! I must hao lian a bit and post a photo of my hair. Don't mind the eyebags ah, cos it's exam period what. Stressed and lack of sleep. Shall go stalk pretty girls on facebook after this post. Bye.
♥ Sunday, February 19, 2012 @ 7:39 PM
Today is such a terrible day. My mood was like shit the entire day.
Supposed to meet Zazz at the library in the morning. But i woke up late and was lazy to go, so i didn't go and stayed at home. Big mistake, huge regret. Emo-ed like shit today. After every powerpoint of my notes that i read, i felt like crying. And i cried, and now my eyes are puffy and i feel so sleepy and i feel like taking a nap, which also means bad study progress and less time to study if i take a nap. Fuck it, so damn annoyed. Part of the reason why i feel so damn sad is cos i hate CRS, i hate studying this retarded subject. I feel so demoralized that i scored 19/50 for the test... Can't believe i am studying it again for the exam. Please leh, i really damn desperate to use the exam to pull up my overall. But where is the motivation? Come to me please.
Recently, i kept thinking about OSIP. And the more i think about it, the more annoyed i get. I had a recent TTB test... Thought it can pull me up, but thanks to the essay question ah, i screwed up the test. The answer was from the video shown during the tutorial, and not the lecture notes (which where i wrote my answers from). But i didn't attend the tutorial cos it's an online session. All my fault, cos i am supposed to be responsible for my own learning. The minimum criteria for the Disney internship in Orlando is 3.0. Confirm can't maintain la. This semester definitely pulls me down. Other OSIP criteria will also be high la. I shall be practical and focus on local internship now -.-
I really need to study for this retarded subject. Can't afford to do badly. I really need motivation, cos my brain is now filled with emotional and retarded thoughts. I just want to be happy, i don't know why it's just so hard. I keep telling myself that one day in the future, i'll meet someone better, and then again, part of me have this mindset that i will never find the one i like who will likes me back in return. It's like, all the girls out there deserve some awesome and nice guys, but i just don't. Wtf.
Okay, whatever. I wish i can hire some robot whom i can talk to now, so that i can complain, cry and be a bitch without being judged. Bye.
Supposed to meet Zazz at the library in the morning. But i woke up late and was lazy to go, so i didn't go and stayed at home. Big mistake, huge regret. Emo-ed like shit today. After every powerpoint of my notes that i read, i felt like crying. And i cried, and now my eyes are puffy and i feel so sleepy and i feel like taking a nap, which also means bad study progress and less time to study if i take a nap. Fuck it, so damn annoyed. Part of the reason why i feel so damn sad is cos i hate CRS, i hate studying this retarded subject. I feel so demoralized that i scored 19/50 for the test... Can't believe i am studying it again for the exam. Please leh, i really damn desperate to use the exam to pull up my overall. But where is the motivation? Come to me please.
Recently, i kept thinking about OSIP. And the more i think about it, the more annoyed i get. I had a recent TTB test... Thought it can pull me up, but thanks to the essay question ah, i screwed up the test. The answer was from the video shown during the tutorial, and not the lecture notes (which where i wrote my answers from). But i didn't attend the tutorial cos it's an online session. All my fault, cos i am supposed to be responsible for my own learning. The minimum criteria for the Disney internship in Orlando is 3.0. Confirm can't maintain la. This semester definitely pulls me down. Other OSIP criteria will also be high la. I shall be practical and focus on local internship now -.-
I really need to study for this retarded subject. Can't afford to do badly. I really need motivation, cos my brain is now filled with emotional and retarded thoughts. I just want to be happy, i don't know why it's just so hard. I keep telling myself that one day in the future, i'll meet someone better, and then again, part of me have this mindset that i will never find the one i like who will likes me back in return. It's like, all the girls out there deserve some awesome and nice guys, but i just don't. Wtf.
Okay, whatever. I wish i can hire some robot whom i can talk to now, so that i can complain, cry and be a bitch without being judged. Bye.
♥ Tuesday, February 14, 2012 @ 8:50 PM
Happy Valentine's Day to all couples! Enjoy it while it lasts (:
Thanks to some of my beloved friends who got me gifts and letters today! I went to Top Table to eat with Rachel, Anita and Leeying in the afternoon. The food was not bad, but i was very full cos it's a 4-course meal. Went for accounting tutorial after that, and then i went home. Supposed to join Sara and the rest at Timbre tonight, but i'm lazy to go and i feel like staying at home lol.
Saw so many couples holding flowers just now. So sweet! Okay, whatever.
I hate my hair. It's too straight, though i rebonded it in 2010? I miss my natural wavy hair. I even google searched on how to make rebonded hair go back to its natural state. And guess what? The only way is to cut it -.- No way! Haiyaaa. And i think i'm going to cut my fringe tomorow. Should i cut bangs? But baoshi said that i will look like a secondary school kid. I want to look matured leh, and not like a kid. Okay, i'll decide tomorrow. Feel free to text me your opinions before it's too late. HAHA.
Took some photos at Top Table too! Shall read books later and sleep early. I really cannot stand it when people sweet talk. In the end, it's all lies. Lies after lies. Okay, bye.
Thanks to some of my beloved friends who got me gifts and letters today! I went to Top Table to eat with Rachel, Anita and Leeying in the afternoon. The food was not bad, but i was very full cos it's a 4-course meal. Went for accounting tutorial after that, and then i went home. Supposed to join Sara and the rest at Timbre tonight, but i'm lazy to go and i feel like staying at home lol.
Saw so many couples holding flowers just now. So sweet! Okay, whatever.
I hate my hair. It's too straight, though i rebonded it in 2010? I miss my natural wavy hair. I even google searched on how to make rebonded hair go back to its natural state. And guess what? The only way is to cut it -.- No way! Haiyaaa. And i think i'm going to cut my fringe tomorow. Should i cut bangs? But baoshi said that i will look like a secondary school kid. I want to look matured leh, and not like a kid. Okay, i'll decide tomorrow. Feel free to text me your opinions before it's too late. HAHA.
Took some photos at Top Table too! Shall read books later and sleep early. I really cannot stand it when people sweet talk. In the end, it's all lies. Lies after lies. Okay, bye.
♥ Monday, February 13, 2012 @ 8:21 PM
I decided to revive my blog again. So fickle-minded lol.
My mood was like shit today. I am going to start complaining. I got back my CRS test. I failed the test, and it's not the borderline kind of fail. I failed it terribly. 19/50. You know why? Firstly, i didn't really study properly cos i hate this subject. Secondly, this subject is so boring. Learning about clubs, hotels, resorts and spas -.- The only few things that i find interesting are cruises, airlines and banks. Anything that has to do with travelling. Thirdly, i only attended 4 lectures out of 13 lectures. And lastly, the things that i studied and tried my very best to remember didn't come out. Fml. Cb. So pissed off. There's a CRS exam paper few weeks later. Though i hate this subject, i must study and make sure i get A. My GPA is so screwed up this semester!!
There's this FEM reflection paper that we have to hand up recently. I'm very certain that i did badly. The limit is 6 pages, everyone's writing about 7 pages and i only wrote 5 pages... Okay can -.- And i'm getting back CSIT test this friday and it's 30% and i didn't do well also. Really damn sad and stressed la. Wtf. Why the hell am i in this course? Everyone's telling me not to worry cos i have accounting to pull me up. Hello?! There's an accounting paper few weeks later and it's 60%. Just because i do well for the tests doesn't mean i'll secure an A. Shit happens at the least expected time.
Remember accounting paper last semester? I had food poisoning the night before, so i can't concentrate during the paper cos i kept wanting to puke, so i left half an hour early. This is called shit happening. The fucking reason why i'm so damn stressed is cos i want to do OSIP in Year 3.2 and the GPA criteria is 2.8. It's very risky. If i get below 3.0 this semester, my overall GPA may drop below 2.8. Zzz.
I want to do OSIP so badly. I want to travel. I want to experience a different culture and environment, i want to meet new people. I want to get away from the hectic life of Singapore. I want to see a different landscape. I know it's damn difficult to get OSIP cos there will be many interviews. But i just wanna try my best la -.-
Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. Hate it. Bye.
My mood was like shit today. I am going to start complaining. I got back my CRS test. I failed the test, and it's not the borderline kind of fail. I failed it terribly. 19/50. You know why? Firstly, i didn't really study properly cos i hate this subject. Secondly, this subject is so boring. Learning about clubs, hotels, resorts and spas -.- The only few things that i find interesting are cruises, airlines and banks. Anything that has to do with travelling. Thirdly, i only attended 4 lectures out of 13 lectures. And lastly, the things that i studied and tried my very best to remember didn't come out. Fml. Cb. So pissed off. There's a CRS exam paper few weeks later. Though i hate this subject, i must study and make sure i get A. My GPA is so screwed up this semester!!
There's this FEM reflection paper that we have to hand up recently. I'm very certain that i did badly. The limit is 6 pages, everyone's writing about 7 pages and i only wrote 5 pages... Okay can -.- And i'm getting back CSIT test this friday and it's 30% and i didn't do well also. Really damn sad and stressed la. Wtf. Why the hell am i in this course? Everyone's telling me not to worry cos i have accounting to pull me up. Hello?! There's an accounting paper few weeks later and it's 60%. Just because i do well for the tests doesn't mean i'll secure an A. Shit happens at the least expected time.
Remember accounting paper last semester? I had food poisoning the night before, so i can't concentrate during the paper cos i kept wanting to puke, so i left half an hour early. This is called shit happening. The fucking reason why i'm so damn stressed is cos i want to do OSIP in Year 3.2 and the GPA criteria is 2.8. It's very risky. If i get below 3.0 this semester, my overall GPA may drop below 2.8. Zzz.
I want to do OSIP so badly. I want to travel. I want to experience a different culture and environment, i want to meet new people. I want to get away from the hectic life of Singapore. I want to see a different landscape. I know it's damn difficult to get OSIP cos there will be many interviews. But i just wanna try my best la -.-
Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. Hate it. Bye.
♥ Monday, January 30, 2012 @ 12:55 AM
"When someone walks out of your life, let them. There's no use in wasting time on people that leave you. What you make of yourself and your future is no longer tied to them. Yeah, you may miss them. But remember that you weren't the one that gave up."
So true :/ Sometimes, i wonder... What hurts more? To have someone walking out of your life, or to actually walk out from someone's life? Doesn't it hurt to walk out from someone's life? I never have the courage to walk out from people's life, be it a friend or someone special. Cos what if it was a wrong decision and move to walk out from his/her life? What if i actually walked out from the life of someone whom i have yet to see his/her good points? What if i'm actually losing out or overlooking some traits that are so special? What if i walk out, and regret? What if it's too late to walk back into that person's life again? Some good things... Once you fail to grab hold of them, they slip away. And you can only look back at blame yourself for making a wrong decision.
I used to care so much. I used to be worry till i can't sleep whenever you clubbed last time. I used to be scared that you'll drink too much, get drunk and do the wrong things etc etc. But i no longer care anymore. Cos i realised one thing, from the start to the end, i was never really loved by you anyway. You don't know how to love and will never learn how to. So whether you club or not, makes no difference to me, cos i never will be able to get you to really love me wholeheartedly. It's like, a guy who is surrounded by 100 pretty ladies everyday but is still able to love this certain girl wholeheartedly is so much better than having a guy who doesn't have any ladies around him, but doesn't know how to love. Don't feel like elaborating or justifying myself, cos there's no point already.
I'm not sad. You can't be sad when your heart already gives up completely on a certain thing. Whatever happens in the future, i won't miss or hope for us to be together again. Cos i deserve better.
So true :/ Sometimes, i wonder... What hurts more? To have someone walking out of your life, or to actually walk out from someone's life? Doesn't it hurt to walk out from someone's life? I never have the courage to walk out from people's life, be it a friend or someone special. Cos what if it was a wrong decision and move to walk out from his/her life? What if i actually walked out from the life of someone whom i have yet to see his/her good points? What if i'm actually losing out or overlooking some traits that are so special? What if i walk out, and regret? What if it's too late to walk back into that person's life again? Some good things... Once you fail to grab hold of them, they slip away. And you can only look back at blame yourself for making a wrong decision.
I used to care so much. I used to be worry till i can't sleep whenever you clubbed last time. I used to be scared that you'll drink too much, get drunk and do the wrong things etc etc. But i no longer care anymore. Cos i realised one thing, from the start to the end, i was never really loved by you anyway. You don't know how to love and will never learn how to. So whether you club or not, makes no difference to me, cos i never will be able to get you to really love me wholeheartedly. It's like, a guy who is surrounded by 100 pretty ladies everyday but is still able to love this certain girl wholeheartedly is so much better than having a guy who doesn't have any ladies around him, but doesn't know how to love. Don't feel like elaborating or justifying myself, cos there's no point already.
I'm not sad. You can't be sad when your heart already gives up completely on a certain thing. Whatever happens in the future, i won't miss or hope for us to be together again. Cos i deserve better.
♥ Sunday, January 29, 2012 @ 8:38 PM
Supposed to be doing my project research now, but i'm procrastinating -.-
So i went to Sharon, Denny and then Xiuyong's house for CNY celebration yesterday. Yes, i went in the end. Watched them gamble, and i drank a lot of green tea. More than 5 packets i think? Like a pro! Didn't gamble cos i'm very protective of my assets. LOL. No la, cos i don't know how to play a lot of card games. But i left super early, like 10pm plus. Cos i don't wanna reach home too late.
As for today, i went to shop with Zazz and FEP and then Bugis after that. Walked until my legs super tired. Sigh. I wanted to buy contact lenses, but the shop is closed :( Okay nvm. Anyway, my rashes are slightly better, but they look like bruises now. Zzz. Now i look like some ah lian who just got into a fight -.-
So sleepy. I keep sleeping so much recently. Like 8 to 10 hours every night. But i'm never awake one. Okay la, i think the only time i'm awake is when i go out with my friends to shop or play.
Anyway, i want to try G-Max, the one at Clarke Quay. But most people i know dare not go with me. One of the things i must do before i turn 25 is to bungee jump. Damn shiok.
Chatted with Zazz when we shopped just now and i just realized a sad truth. You know, guys look at pretty girls... But i look at pretty girls too. And that sucks, cos my future boyfriend doesn't have to worry that i will end up looking at handsome guys and get attracted to them, cos i look at pretty girls. But i have to worry! :( In the end, maybe the both of us will end up talking about pretty girls? And one day, maybe he will also fall for them. Oh no! Haiya, but life is unfair all the time, what to do?
Thinking about it... In my whole life, i have never added any random handsome guys on facebook before... And when random guys added me on facebook, i didn't accept their requests too... Even if i accepted, it was years ago, and i intend to delete them soon. But i added random pretty girls on facebook so many times, and when random girls add me, i accepted their requests.
Sigh... I don't know why i ended up talking about this. So disturbing. Anyway, i added links already. Like finally... I took a photo with Sharon's nephew too. Shall post it before i do my project research. And my phone whatsapp keeps vibrating cos of projects discussion. I dare not look at my phone. So sad. There's presentation tomorrow. Bye.
So i went to Sharon, Denny and then Xiuyong's house for CNY celebration yesterday. Yes, i went in the end. Watched them gamble, and i drank a lot of green tea. More than 5 packets i think? Like a pro! Didn't gamble cos i'm very protective of my assets. LOL. No la, cos i don't know how to play a lot of card games. But i left super early, like 10pm plus. Cos i don't wanna reach home too late.
As for today, i went to shop with Zazz and FEP and then Bugis after that. Walked until my legs super tired. Sigh. I wanted to buy contact lenses, but the shop is closed :( Okay nvm. Anyway, my rashes are slightly better, but they look like bruises now. Zzz. Now i look like some ah lian who just got into a fight -.-
So sleepy. I keep sleeping so much recently. Like 8 to 10 hours every night. But i'm never awake one. Okay la, i think the only time i'm awake is when i go out with my friends to shop or play.
Anyway, i want to try G-Max, the one at Clarke Quay. But most people i know dare not go with me. One of the things i must do before i turn 25 is to bungee jump. Damn shiok.
Chatted with Zazz when we shopped just now and i just realized a sad truth. You know, guys look at pretty girls... But i look at pretty girls too. And that sucks, cos my future boyfriend doesn't have to worry that i will end up looking at handsome guys and get attracted to them, cos i look at pretty girls. But i have to worry! :( In the end, maybe the both of us will end up talking about pretty girls? And one day, maybe he will also fall for them. Oh no! Haiya, but life is unfair all the time, what to do?
Thinking about it... In my whole life, i have never added any random handsome guys on facebook before... And when random guys added me on facebook, i didn't accept their requests too... Even if i accepted, it was years ago, and i intend to delete them soon. But i added random pretty girls on facebook so many times, and when random girls add me, i accepted their requests.
Sigh... I don't know why i ended up talking about this. So disturbing. Anyway, i added links already. Like finally... I took a photo with Sharon's nephew too. Shall post it before i do my project research. And my phone whatsapp keeps vibrating cos of projects discussion. I dare not look at my phone. So sad. There's presentation tomorrow. Bye.
